Vigilante
by FountainPenguin
Summary: "Bloody murdered corpses," Staci said without batting an eyelash. Dawn stiffened, and she went on. "Sam and Svet say someone got snuffed in the kitchen, and they want me to find out whodunit, ya." She paused, then put a jabbing finger in Dawn's direction and straightened again. "But no spoilers." (Written September 2015 when I took a few prompt suggestions)


**Vigilante:** _A member of a self-appointed group of citizens who undertake law enforcement in their community without legal authority when police may be ineffective or nonexistent._

* * *

From the looks of it, the dead body caught Mike so off guard that he flipped through three personalities before the fear took over and he landed on Svetlana. She whipped around, Sam right beside her, and together they slammed the door of the freezer and pinned it shut with their backs.

"Cool. So, I just got my daily scarring for life, and it's only ten after midnight. We really need to talk to Staci about this."

"Svetlana is mentally tramultulized now. Ze mind has changed. You can be having ze creamed snow after all."

"No, no, please. I insist. You guys should have the ice cream. A gentleman always lets the ladies have first pick, and if I understand correctly, at the moment, you're a lady."

Svetlana drew the collar of Mike's golden pajamas over her chin as her cheeks started to swell. "I am zhinking I vould ra'zher be zhrowing up in mouth. You vere running into ze kitchen before Mike, tubby boy. You are deserving treat for zhat zloppy yet successing performance." Then she started slapping her forehead with the base of one hand. "Shut up, shut up, be shutting up already!"

They stayed quiet for a few seconds as the cold metal of the freezer seeped through their pajamas.

"Did you recognize the, um… the person?"

"Svetlana stopped looking ze instant she processed vhat she vas seeing. Anyvay, you vould be knowing better zhan she, I zhink."

"Well, since Mike shoved me into the wall right before he looked, I didn't get to see much, just the… You know. The hands." He stared at the ceiling, gnawing his way through his upper lip. "Seriously though, a dead guy just pops up in the middle of the night? We need to find Staci, figure out what's going on, and try to put a stop to this, fast. Before we're next. I- I'd suggest waking everyone and like, evacuating, but until we figure out who our killer is, I don't think alerting the whole Playa on how much we've seen will be doing us many favors, huh huh."

"Vhich vun vas being Staci again? Please be saying it vas a'zletic girl vith short yellow hair."

"Staci's the, uh..." Sam lifted his hand and made clacking-duck-beak motions with it. "You broke her toaster and accidentally knocked her into the pool when you did the twelve back-handsprings in a row."

Svetlana banged her head against the freezer. "I am being so done right now."

Moving carefully, Sam peeled himself from the door and motioned with his arm for her to follow him. "Okay. Let's just focus on one task at a time. Staci's room is just down the hall this way. I just saw her when she came by the card room not even half an hour ago, so with luck she won't be asleep yet."

"No, Svetlana is not coming." So saying, she slid to the floor and pulled her legs in criss-cross-applesauce style. "She is staying right here against ze vall all night vith ze lights on, no matter how much ze o'zhers try to fight her for ze controlling. She vill be having ze best chance for surviving murder fight vith her dodging skills, and zhey are knowing it."

He offered his hand. "Really? First rule of horror movies: Always have someone watching your back, never take your eyes off what's behind you, and never go anywhere alone."

She considered that, then groaned. They pressed their spines together and locked arms, he in front and Svetlana behind, and shuffled down the hall in that fashion as quickly as they could manage without tripping over their own feet. Sam kept his eyes wide and made sure to flip on every lightswitch with his elbow, but they never saw any signs of shadow figures creeping about in the corners.

Sam rapped on Staci's door the whole forty seconds before she opened it, still wearing her blood-spattered pink parka over her purple footie pajamas and blinking at them in acceptant, tired bewilderment. She must have still been bitter about the way he'd snubbed her earlier, because she put out her lip and folded her arms. "What do you want? Ya, just because my great-great-great-great grandma Elaine invented bats, it doesn't mean I am one. Hey, Steve. Hey, Mike."

"Svetlana."

"Hey, Svetlana."

"We found a dead body in the freezer when we went looking for ice cream."

Staci's dull blue eyes lit with interest like sapphires. "A human body? Like, do you mean an entire body, or did you just find-"

"I am confused," Svetlana said in her usual impatient way, untangling herself from Sam's grip. "Vhy are ve come to avake up ze una'zletic chattermouth girl?"

"Svet, do you want me to get the fedora?"

"… No, Staci. Vell, mostly no."

Staci grinned and stepped into the hallway. "Ya, well, just using my context clues (which were invented by my great-great aunt Melinda, by the way), I'm guessing that you're here because someone remembered I want to go into forensic sciences. Ya, I want to be like my great-great-great-great aunt Velma and find out all the reasons the bad guys were caught in their crimes." She flashed a bloody kitchen knife from the pocket of her parka and held it to her cheek as she grinned up at them. "So _I_ won't be."

Sam put three fingers against his forehead. "How long-"

"Always, Sam. I always have the knife. We've gone over the reasons why, ya."

"I never have had likeness or trustworthying feelings for you," Svetlana said as she regarded Staci with slitted eyes. "I am zhinking you may be murd'rer after all."

Staci's mouth pressed into an insulted little line. "Ya, no. I know better than to leave my stuff lying around, as Mike himself could, like, vouch for. And if it were me, I would've disposed of all the evidence already, like my great-great-great-great grandfather Henry the Eighth. You see this blood on my coat and hands?" She pointed at the blood on her coat and hands. "Ya, why would I still be wearing this if I were a psycho killer? That's just stupid, ya."

"Okay, Staci. Great. That is awesome to hear. If you were anyone else, I'd be fearing for my life right now. Come to think on it, I am fearing for my life right now. So apparently there's a murderer on the loose in the hotel. I don't know if it's Jo or interns or who, but since we have no police and no investigation team here, my first thought was that you'd be able to figure it out and save our souls before it's too late." He blinked. "Although, maybe I would have been better off asking this of Dawn."

Someone behind him cleared her throat. Sam glanced back to see Dawn herself, a delicate hand placed on either side of the door to her room across the hall. Eesh- He hadn't even heard it open. She tilted her head a little too far to the right for his liking. "Hello. What's this important matter you are all talking about so late in the evening?"

"Bloody murdered corpses," Staci said without batting an eyelash. Dawn stiffened, and she went on. "Sam and Svet say someone got snuffed in the kitchen, and they want me to find out whodunit." Staci mimed twirling a cape back with one hand as she bowed. "Ya, this is about to be my finest hour. Staci's time has come. Ya, you're welcome to tag along, because like you always say, I love an audience, ya." She paused, then put a jabbing finger in Dawn's direction and straightened again. "But no spoilers."

Dawn wrinkled her nose and clicked the door shut. That only made Staci's grin grow wider, and probably flared her ego with another few power-ups (if that was even possible). Linking arms with him and Svetlana, she dragged them down the hall. "Well? Let's go track us down a criminal."

Svetlana muttered some cross-sounding words in Russian and pulled them faster. Sam kept watch behind.

When they reached the kitchen, Staci didn't even check the premises for killers tucked into shadows. She dropped their wrists and strode straight in, one hand behind her back and the other pressed against her chest, neck arched like a queen in her castle. She made it all the way to the freezer door, put out her arm, stopped, and turned around to give them both a quizzical stare. "Why were you guys getting ice cream at midnight?"

"Mike vas having nightmare of his creation day again."

"Uh…" Sam fidgeted his feet and reached back to scratch his neck. "And Dakota's… going through cramps, so I thought maybe…"

That got a shudder out of her. "Fair enough. So, let's see what's new in the past fifteen minutes since I was last down here." Squaring her shoulders, she wrenched open the freezer. Two plastic bags containing two freckled, severed arms tumbled out and landed on the floor. Svetlana let out a muffled squeal and yanked Sam in front of her.

"Oh." Staci glanced back at them, looking more than a little irritated. "You found Scott."

Sam's eyes went wide. "You knew-?"

"Ya, he got eliminated and then Fang mauled him."

"Is he-?"

"No, ya, he's still alive, just hanging by a thread. My fourth cousin twice removed invented thread a week before her daughter invented string. Ya, B's going to reattach his limbs in about half an hour, which is why I put them on ice."

"When did this-?"

"About twenty minutes ago."

"Why didn't you-?"

"I did," she said, sounding even more irritated now. "But none of you would believe me and you all told me to shut up, so I called Cody. Noah and Harold are on their way across the lake right now with their medical books to give us more information. Ya, _they_ all knew I wouldn't lie about something like this."

"Oh geez." Sam placed one fist on his elbow. The other hand traced a line down the center of his face. "Please tell me you also called 911."

She paused, her gaze sliding away. "What do you think?"

He stared down at the pale arms as Staci picked them back up and replaced them in the freezer. Svetlana's half-bitten nails tightened in his shoulders, and his stomach performed a few flips that she probably would have been very proud of, being the gymnast she thought she was. "So, where did you stuff the rest of him, and am I going to regret opening the pantry for almond brittle?"

"Ya, no, Scott's not in the pantry. B, Brick, and the interns who lived are stabilizing him outside by the pool, but I was a little grossed out by all the blood and I didn't want to get in the way, ya, so I decided my job there was done and I thought I'd go to bed. Epecially considering that I just had to _knife a mutant shark in the leg and watch a guy get devoured_ ; thanks for not showing up when I begged. Did you guys want chocolate or strawberry?"

"Staci, I'm not about to let my girlfriend eat ice cream that was just sitting there next to Scott's detached arms."

Svetlana blew a raspberry.

She shrugged and popped the chocolate lid. "Ya, well, kudos to you, but now that I'm up I just can't resist." She glanced around, furrowing her brow. "Is anyone going to get upset if I eat this straight out of the carton? Ya, my great-great-great uncle Winston invented spoons. But he really doesn't get along with my great-great-great uncle Jarvis who invented bowls, so I always feel weird when I use both together because I feel like I'm betraying them both at the same time."

"I am zhinking you are quite fine."

"Although…" Staci stared into the carton. "Sam, Dakota doesn't know about Scott's arms. And if I were a nice person, I'd give this to her, wouldn't I?" She wrestled with indecision a moment longer, then scooped a bit with her finger and reluctantly handed the rest over. "Fine. Periods are never fun, but she owes me. I'm scheduled to start mine again next week and-"

"Staci, no!" Sam covered his face with both sleeves. "Too much information! Nobody here wants to know that."

Svetlana tipped her head. "Vhat are ve discussing about?"

Staci just smirked. "So you really, really don't want this, and no one will blame me if I eat it all?"

"Knock yourself out," said Sam, turning on his heels and starting towards the pantry. "I'm getting graham crackers and Cheerios, and then after I check on Dakota, I'm going to take a very long shower and pretend that none of this ever happened."

"Oh, snap! Sam, watch out for-"

Something heavy and stiff and plugged full of bloodied bite marks flopped out as he opened the pantry door and knocked Sam to the ground. He wriggled out from beneath, gasping and scrabbling his fingers in tile grout. Svetlana rushed over to scoop him into her arms. Squeezed in her hug, he just managed to croak, "W-who is this?"

Staci pressed her eyebrows together. "I can't remember his name, but that's one of the interns who helped me wrestle Scott out of Fang's mouth, ya."

"Chubby girl, vhy? _Vhy_?"

That comment made her flip over her bloodstained hands, the chocolate ice cream tucked against her hip. "Is there somewhere else you would prefer me to put him? Ya, there wasn't room for him in the freezer (which I realize now would be kind of pointless anyway considering that Fang already munched him up to the point of death) and we have to keep Scott's arms on ice if we're going to reattach them… Ya, okay, I know I'm super pretty, but stop _looking_ at me like that. I was going to come back for him in the morning. Can you blame me for not wanting to sleep down here with him all night? That's just creepy."

Sam slammed his forehead into Svetlana's shoulder multiple times, then finally looked up at her again. "Are there any other bodies or limbs or otherwise unconscious people hidden in this kitchen that you haven't told us about?"

Staci's eyes drifted halfway to the oven. Before they got there, they snapped back to meet Sam's. She stuck both thumbs in her parka pockets, rocked back on her heels, and tilted up her chin.

"Ya, nope," she said. "Promise we're all good here now, ya."

* * *

 **A/N** : I feel like it might be worth noting that yes, according to her canon bio, Staci actually does want to go into forensics, and yes, if you watch the episodes she appears in, she is pretty much the chillest character out of all three casts.


End file.
